sway(”Google Webmaster Happiness Index”, $numStars, $rant);

Rumors about GWHI are floating around for a while, but not even insiders were able to figure out the formula. As a matter of fact, not a single webmaster outside the Googleplex has ever seen it. I assume Barry’s guess is quite accurate: GWHI-meter

Anyway, I don’t care what it is, or how it works, as long as I can automate it. At first I ran a few tests by retweeting Google related rants, and finally I developed sway(string destination, decimal numStars, string rant). For a while now I’m brain-dumping my rants to Google with a cron job. I had to kill the process a few times until I figured out that $numStars = -5 invokes a multiply by -1 error, but since Google has fixed this bug it runs smoothly, nine to five.

Yesterday I learned that Google launched a manual variant of my method for you mere mortals. I’m excited to share it: HotPot. Nope, it’s not a typo. Hot pot, as in bong. Officially addictive (source).

HotPot’s RTFM

Login with your most disposable Google account, then load http://google.com/hotpot/onboard with your Web browser (API coming soon, so I was told, hence feel free to poll https://google.com/hotpot/rest/sway for an HTTP response code != 503).

The landing page’s search box explains itself: “Enter a category near a familiar neighborhood and city to start rating places you know. Ex. [restaurants Mountain View, CA]”. HotPot search boxOf course localization is in place and working fine (you can change your current address in your Google Profile at any time by providing Checkout with another credit card).

As a webmaster eager to submit GWHI ratings, you’re not interested in over-priced food near the Googleplex, so you overwrite the default category: HotPot search for a search engine in Mountain View, CA

HotPot rating box for a search engine called Google in Mountain View, CAPress the Search button.

On the result page you’ll spot a box featuring Google, with a nice picture of the Googleplex in Mountain View. To convince you that indeed you’ve found the right place to drop your rants, “Google” is written in bold letters all over the building.

To its left, Google HotPot provides tips like

Get smarter SERPs.

Reading your mind we’ve figured out that a particular SERP ranking has pissed you off. You know, rankings can turn out good and bad, even yours. With you rating our rankings, we learn a bit more about your tastes, so you’ll get better SERPs the next time you search.

Next you click on any gray star at the bottom, and magically the promotional image turns into a text area.

HotPot review of a search engine called Google in Mountain View, CA Now tell the almighty Google why your pathetic site deserves better rankings than the popular brands with deep pockets you’re competiting with on the Interwebs.

Don’t make the mistake to mention that you’re cheaper. Google will conclude that goes for your information architecture, crawlability, usability, image resolution and content quality, too. Better mimick an elitist specialist of all professions or so, and sell your stuff as swiss army knife.

Then press the Publish button, and revisit your SERP, again and again.

You’ll be quite astonished.

Google’s webmaster relations team will be quite happy.

I mean, can you think of a better way to turn yourself in with a selfish spam report as an ajax’ed Web form that even comes with stars?

Google’s HotPot is pretty cool, don’t you agree?


Sebastian

spying at:

1600 Amphitheatre Parkway

Mountain View,
CA
94043

USA



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2 Comments to "sway("Google Webmaster Happiness Index", $numStars, $rant);"

  1. Sebastian on 18 November, 2010  #link

    It seems someone at Google runs a query like delete from usrReview where usrReview.entity = 'Google' and (usrReview.text contains humor or usrReview.stars < 5). My dislike may be deleted, but I still have the screenshots.

    :(

    Deleted GWHI ranking

  2. Sebastian on 29 November, 2010  #link

    Heh. My review got restored. There’s still a sense for humor at Google. Thanks Googlers! Now just fix the Instant thingy and you’ve generated a happy camper out of nowhere. ;-)

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